Written by Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman, PDA Coach
Kory Andreas, LCSW-C
Jenna Goldstein, Psychologist
Who wrote this list?
We are a PDA coach (Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman, creator and founder of The PDA Safe Circle™), a social worker who works with mixed ages (Kory Andreas, LCSW-C), and a child psychologist (Jenna Goldstein). All of us are Autistic. Shoshana is PDA, too, and we all work with many PDA clients.
Some disclaimers:
There is ongoing debate about the definition of PDA itself in the research and clinical world. However, we continue to see very strong patterns of behavior and inner experience of PDAers. We find PDA to be a highly meaningful designation that leads to effective support that can transform and even save lives.
We have compiled this list based on combined lived and professional experience.
There is considerable current debate right now in the research, clinical, and grassroots PDA communities about the relationship between Autism and PDA. That said, we have organized some of the common traits below into categories of Autistic differences. In our experience, most PDAers are Autistic and these categories help to structure a list. If you prefer, you can think of this as a list of common traits of PDA Autistics, with a list of PDA traits that don't fit under Autistic categories at the beginning and end.
The list is not a peer-reviewed clinical tool. It is meant to support you in discerning whether you believe a PDA profile fits you and/or your child. If it does, or if you think it might, we hope you’ll join us in The PDA Safe Circle™ community (PDASafeCircle.com)
How to Use This List
Look for a broad picture of recognition.
No one person will be recognized as having all of these traits because every person is unique, and also because the list includes both internal and external PDA behavior patterns that may not be outwardly observable to every person/in every context.
And remember that you do not need to be positive about PDA or receive a clinical PDA designation to try out The PDA Safe Circle™.
Click the arrows on the left to expand each section of text
What is PDA?
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance or, as is preferred by most PDAers, Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. It is an emerging neurodivergent profile or cluster of traits, depending on who you ask.
The PDA Safe Circle™ approaches PDA as a profile and a nervous system disability, meaning it supports PDAers by looking at our inherent patterns of vulnerabilities and strengths, not only at "extreme demand avoidance" behavior which may or may not be present depending on the PDAer's level of distress. Many identified PDAers are also Autistic and experience being PDA as a subtype of Autism. Some PDAers identify as being PDA and ADHD, or AuDHD, or another vulnerable neurology.
At The PDA Safe Circle™, we support people with a PDA nervous system pattern and our loved ones in thriving. You are welcome here whether you or your loved one(s) are Autistic or not, or have a clinical PDA identification or not. (PDA is not in any formal diagnostic code at this point, but some clinicians do list it as an unofficial identification along with another diagnosis).
PDA is described in clinical literature through outward behaviors such as extreme avoidance of everyday tasks, engaging social strategies as part of the avoidance, emotional dysregulation, and obsessive behaviors often focused on other people.
However! We join the many PDA advocates and educators who believe PDA is best defined from the inside experience of the PDAer, in which the PDA disability can be externally obvious or it can be internal and hard to see from the outside.
When we listen to PDA people and parents of PDA children, we see a clear pattern: PDAers have autonomic nervous systems that very easily go into survival mode (i.e. fight, flight, freeze, flop, or fawn) when faced with a loss of autonomy, control, social equality, or – and this is one we add to the list – co-regulation. We also have common strengths that may stem from our nervous system sensitivity. The PDA Safe Circle™ starts by focusing on these strengths.
What is the nervous system disability of PDA?
In Autistic PDAers, differences or disability in social interactions and relationships often look like:
Social anxiety, which can look like the person creating “busyness” for themselves in stressful/unstructured social contexts, particularly those that call for neuronormative social behaviors (e.g. greetings, small talk). It can also look like situational mutism, use of grunting/noises in place of language, reliance on comfort items/people, and a restricted range of physical or emotional actions/expressions.
Strong drive for physical co-regulation, often “on the body” of a parent or partner even if the other person is cueing they don’t want that touch.
Gets triggered or scared when someone is in an authority position over them, even subtly. Exceptions may happen when engaging a special interest.
Loves people but easily exhausted or dysregulated by social situations, such as school, offices, playdates, parties, conversations.
Looks completely fine in a social or high-stimulation situation but then melts down or shuts down at home or in another safe place. PDA children can look like “two different kids” and lead extended family or school staff to not believe parents who say their child is struggling at home.
When another person asserts authority or control, the PDAer will assert their own control in subtle or intense ways, i.e. critiquing, giving a cold shoulder, hiding or breaking objects, swearing, insulting, antagonizing. This is usually against the weakest or safest member of the house, which could be a parent, sibling, or pet. (The behavior is known as “equalizing,” a term coined by parent coach Casey Ehrlich, or equity-seeking behavior, a term coined by Kristy Forbes.)
PDA children often have very different relationships with different caretakers. For instance, being compliant with parent A and demand-avoidant or equalizing with parent B. (This erroneously leads parent A to conclude parent B is too permissive, when the reason for the different behavior is actually that the PDA child feels less safe with parent A. They therefore hold in their threat response until they are with parent B, their safer person). Children may have particular activities they will only do with one parent and not the other.
Intense need to control their own actions or the actions of others. May look like perfectionism and/or intense need to control the actions of others, such as micromanaging, or even physically moving a parent or partner’s body.
A need to be in control in all or most social situations. Thrives in social roles where they have control or status without needing to wade deep into messy interpersonal group dynamics. Examples: Director, leader, facilitator, creative, prankster, know-it-all. May check out or be unable to participate in social activities (including therapies) where they cannot play a preferred/safer social role.
Obsessions or special interests may be focused on people, such as a friend, parent, sibling, teacher, or romantic interest. This can look like platonic or romantic infatuation.
Extremely sensitive to other people’s energy and mood
Often has a preference for one-on-one friendships over groups if they are not the group leader. However, some PDAers are very outgoing in groups.
May lose friendships without understanding why
Can hold grudges for a very long time.
People are often either “in” or “out” of the PDAer’s safe circle.
Friendships are most easily made and maintained through shared special interests.
In Autistic PDAers, differences or disability in language and communication often look like:
In Autistic PDAers, differences or disability in sensory processing can vary widely and may look like:
In Autistic PDAers, differences or disability in attention often look like:
Common PDAer Preferred Social Roles:
Creator/Artist/Experimenter Builder/Tinkerer/Maker Redecorator/space changer Animal/nature caregiver Storyteller/Info-dumper Role play director Entrepreneur Consultant Game designer Performer Director Responsibility manager/doer (for PDA children, “adult” responsibilities may be sought out, like packing vacation bags, managing all aspects of grocery shopping they can access, feeding the dog, etc.) | Designer Fixer (of physical things) Problem identifier and Problem-solver Master of Ceremonies Leader Hero Critic Teacher Investigator Salesperson
| Facilitator Champion Host/Greeter Inventor Jester/Fool Shaman Prophet Truth-teller Activist Iconoclast Helper (physically, verbally) Translator/explainer |
Common PDA Strengths:
If you are still unsure whether a PDA profile fits you or your child and whether The PDA Safe Circle™ would be supportive to you, here are several additional thoughts to consider:
The PDA threat response can look many different ways. It can be subtle at first and may only escalate if more subtle bids for autonomy are ignored. (If you ask your child if they want to go on a walk and they ignore you, you can let it go and they won’t escalate. You’ve taken their silence as an indication they aren’t up for answering your question. If you keep pushing for an answer, they may get activated and you’ll see the threat response show up if they yell at you, throw something, or say they never want to go on a walk again, or shut down and not be able to answer).
The PDA threat response can also be highly masked and hidden from view for years for those who freeze, fawn, or flop as our go-to threat response. These folks are called internalized PDAers in the PDA community. Many PDAers have a mix of external (fight/flight) and internal (freeze, flop, fawn) expressions of threat.
Another easily missed PDA strategy is using socially acceptable behaviors to maintain a sense of control (like being a perfectionist, know-it-all, or straight-A student). Not all perfectionists are PDA of course, but PDA can look like intense self-control in some people. Extreme self-control/perfectionism in this way can act as a preemptive measure for the PDAer to prevent others’ control of them, and to maintain a feeling of high status with respect to the activities they are engaging in.
If a PDA child grows up in an environment or culture where they can access special interests, use their strengths, and have a lot of autonomy and co-regulation, the disabling aspects of being PDA may hardly show up. Shoshana has clients who recognize PDA in their very young children because of a pattern of threat response and a pattern of strength, but the kids are nowhere near burnout yet. These parents work with me to prevent burnout. Levels of distress and disability are not written in stone for PDAers. Much likely depends on how well or poorly the PDAer is understood and accommodated from a young age.
If you see yourself or a loved one in the patterns described here, you can head to PDASafeCircle.com to join our growing community.
The PDA Safe Circle™ is not only a course with transformative content that decreases distress and increases thriving for PDAers of all ages and our loved ones.
It is also a community of practice that connects you to others for the long term, and empowers you as a peer coach in the strengths-based PDA Safe Circle™ Approach.
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